Alone in the Dark

It is time once again for a thrilling movie review! I've mentioned before how I hate movies, but Shark loves them so every now and then I have to do my wifely duty and watch a movie with him. This past weekend, it happened to be "Alone in the Dark" (which has received one of the lowest ratings of all time at Rotten Tomatoes - 1%).

I realized something this weekend while watching this movie as well. Shark ridicules movies mercilessly, even without seeing them. But then he actually does want to see them. I wondered why he wastes hours of his life watching movies that he knows are bad before he even begins to watch them. But then I thought, "I watch seriously bad TV all the time." I love bad TV. "7th Heaven" is one of my favorite shows to watch; it is so easy to snark on and there is not a single character trait represented that is admirable. I love it, despite the fact that it makes me want to kill myself or the people on the show almost every week. So it's not so different, right? I mean, with TV you have familiarity; watching bad movies isn't so different from watching bad TV. My only problem is I simply don't have the attention span to watch movies anymore. Plus, they all seem to be about how much money was spent making them, which usually detracts from the overall quality of the movie. At least with "7th Heaven" I can expect craptastic guest stars whose debtors are hounding them and product placed Brenda Brand everything (in reference to Brenda Hampton, aka Satan, aka creator of "7th Heaven.") Oh, and there's always the thrill of MST3King a movie.

Oh, right. Back to the review. I think this movie will best be summed up with short sentences and paragraphs.

Tara Reid had one line in the entire movie, "It's Abskani." That's because if she talked anymore, her cover as an anthropologist would have been blown.

Christian Slater is in dire need of money. This was a disgrace for him. He should've stayed in the 80's and early 90's.

Stephen Dorff is, as Shark put it, "The sidekick in every science fiction movie, ever." I'll take his word for it. I would also venture to guess that every sidekick he plays is the same character over and over again. You know the one. The one with a chip on his shoulder, but he really just wants to do the right thing.

The acting in this movie sucked. I know these guys have more in them than what they put into this movie. The storyline sucked. The creatures sucked. The fighting sucked. The whole damn thing sucked. What a suck ass movie. I don't think I can use suck enough to describe it.

Oh, and it was dark practically the whole time. I guess that was supposed to be scary. Get it? Yeah, I didn't care either.

All that said, I had fun watching it and snarking on it with Shark. We'll be watching "White Noise" either this evening or tomorrow evening. I am expecting no less than a similar "Alone in the Dark" experience.


Blogger Rachel Croucher said...

Tara Reid as an anthropologist? That's hilarious. Does she dress like a librarian, as in with glasses and a bun? That would be too funny, like a parody of a stripper or something

Thu May 19, 12:23:00 PM PDT

Blogger Cunning Linguist said...

You betcha. Totally unbelievable.

Hrm, for some reason I can't put an img tag in comments apparently, but here's a link to an A++++ comedic picture of her.

Fri May 20, 08:39:00 AM PDT

Blogger deadpanann said...

Tara Reid had one line in the entire movie, "It's Abskani." That's because if she talked anymore, her cover as an anthropologist would have been blown.

Hilarious! But it makes you wonder what goes on in the minds of the folks responsible for casting. Why not go for a more convincing anthropologist, regardless of whether the role has just one line? I can't imagine her in a smarty-pants role. An unknown would be better. Oh, wait, I get it...eye candy. Duh!

I'm kind of like you when it comes to movies---I don't have the attention span for them. My ex used to subject me to all kinds of horrible movies, and I endured them because of him. But on my own I rarely find a flick that can hold me for 90 minutes, though I can be easily persuaded to rent something if it's highly recommended by someone I consider to be smart.

I did like Adaptation, and Maria Full of Grace. Those are the only two movies I can think of that I liked, (and parts of Adaptation annoyed me, mostly because of Nicholas Cage, but still it beats most.)

Sat May 21, 11:32:00 PM PDT

Blogger Cunning Linguist said...

I do wonder what whoever was thinking when casting Tara Reid. I would think they would have wanted someone who could act smart and could also kick some ass. In which case... why not someone like Sarah Michelle Gellar or Jennifer Garner? Or, hell, even Jessica Biel could probably pull that off.

But then I realized that Uwe Bowell (the director) doesn't have a good reputation at all, and the "better" actresses wouldn't want to be associated with it. They probably settled on Tara Reid as a sixteenth choice. She needed something like this, anyway, to distract from her boob-flashing image she's cultivated lately. It didn't work, though.

I liked Maria Full of Grace, too, but haven't seen Adaptation yet. I liked the other movies directed by the same guy, but I have a hard time with Nicolas Cage in general. :P

Sun May 22, 09:40:00 AM PDT

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